I think my vagina is haunted
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
