im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
