I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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