I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
