Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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