i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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