My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize