I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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