i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
