I think my vagina is haunted
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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