remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Boobs speak an international language.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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