Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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