If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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