I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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