So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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