I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
