We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
