It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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