oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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