You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
