yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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