Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
