Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
