he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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