She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
