So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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