I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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