Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
