I accidentally had phone sex last night
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
