I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
