omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
