i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
