Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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