i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
