I will die if light touches me.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
