Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
