Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
