you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize