I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
