I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
