We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
