Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
it was like eating out sand paper
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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