Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
