you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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