We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
His nipple licking is glorious
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