The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
