I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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