if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
