i wish my penis had a tongue
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I need a beard to bite.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
