I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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