and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We are all done wearing pants today
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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