I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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