You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
