I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
