If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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