onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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