i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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