Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
