she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
