DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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