Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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