I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Randomize
