Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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