It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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