Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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