I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
