Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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