so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.Â
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
