Just fell off a train. Bad.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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